By Mark Saleski
What's Going On Here?
Every summer, my wife and I partake of that great American tradition - the vacation. We pack up the Jeep, load in the dog, and head to our favorite getaway spot - a small town on the coast of Maine. Over those two weeks, that rental house becomes out new home as we make our best attempt at sloughing off the dead skin of the working, "responsible" life.
So what's the problem? Over the last couple of years, we've found that the end of vacation and the transition back to 'normal' life has caused what seems like an inordinate amount of grief. Should two grown adults feel sorrow verging on depression because of this? What's going on here? Does this happen to anybody else?
Causes: A First Pass
While trying to work my way through this situation, a couple of seemingly obvious causes surface: our attraction to this town as "The Perfect Place," and the yearly vacation as a marker for the passage of time.
Had the little coastal retreat become idealized in our minds as the perfect town? The place where nothing ever goes wrong? The ultimate buffer between us and the rest of our lives? No doubt, there is some truth in this idea. There's a reason we refer to these places "getaways." It has slowly dawned on me that this particular location, because we've been there so many times, has indeed become that place. The fictional Shangri-La.
Time passes us by (or sometimes: drags us along) and there's not a whole lot to be done about it. If things are going well, perhaps it's not a problem. There are times though, when the 365th day clicks by – again – and serves to do nothing more than remind us that we're not completely in control. That we, our loved ones, EVERYBODY – is headed in that same direction - and that maybe we should be making a little more haste, making those plans more of a reality.
The Reality
Though the reality of our situation does contain shades of the above elements, there are a couple of very concrete issues that bring on the vacation blues: my career difficulties and our epiphany about "community."
I've been writing software for almost 25 years. Like most careers, it's had its moments of fantastic reward as well as grief-inducing frustration. Writing has been a more recent vocation, one that has taken hold of me with surprising force. Now that I'm so heavily involved with it, I can't imagine doing anything else. Of course, this makes for a particular brand of cognitive dissonance. Two weeks on vacation go by during which I am nothing but a writer. That time passes and the reality is that I must go back to the world of networks and control systems. It doesn't feel quite right anymore, but what to do? What's the right thing to do when the community you've been a part of for so long leaves you with that "outside looking in" feeling?
Well, "community" can mean many different things. There are communities of place and communities of like minds. Our vacation spot is the most basic of communities, the small town. This year, we finally realized that this place's "small townness" plays a huge factor in our perceptions. Physically, we can walk anywhere. Nothing is more than ten easy minutes away. But convenience is not the issue. It's the feeling that we're a part of the town. Even though we are tourists, many of the town's residents become familiar - the mailman, that waitress, the clerk at the bookstore. This is an experience that's difficult to come by in suburbia, one that resonates with us to an alarming degree.
Outlook
We are certain that our tourist status will one day be erased - we will move to this town. One community problem solved. In the meantime, the career angst will continue. While it doesn't move me toward a solution, I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my occupational ambivalence. I'll deal with the slow move toward a conclusion by imagining my future profession, by wrapping myself in the written word, and by looking forward to those two weeks on the coast...
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
The Soul Puzzle
By Mary K. Williams
Remember those broken heart necklaces that were popular a while back? You’d have some nice little sentiment across the heart, and then the necklace came apart and it’d be shared between two lovers. When the two halves came together, the jagged edges would align perfectly. When someone mentions the term “soul mate,” I think of those hearts.
And this soul mate thing; the notion of another being that will complete you, does this really exist? As if betrothed before birth; can humans be destined to belong to a perfect other half? I believe that this happens – for some. But not all of us fall into the category of such a pre-ordained romance. For as much as there are those unique couples that exist in some sort of wondrous state of a romantic vacuum – there are other relationship dynamics that fall into the pattern of the Soul Puzzle.
Imagine a rather large unfinished jigsaw puzzle. Some of the trees are done, about a third of the lake, but the rest is still a jumble of loose pieces waiting to be arranged. But once a piece is correctly fitted, it’s a great feeling of completion. Sometimes those pieces are placed in a flurry of action, you find one, and another and another – and other times it’s just a matter of trial and error. Eventually, more and more is filled in, but it is a process not to be rushed. Consider the following interactions:
Sarah, a young housewife from Phoenix, AZ joins a book club. It’s a diverse group and the ages range from a 15 year old girl to a Vietnam veteran in his 60s. Generally they are all pleasant, and Sarah looks forward to the weekly meetings. She gets along with everyone well enough, but finds herself striking up a friendship with Annie, a 41 year old software engineer who happens to be a lesbian.
They don’t have much in common at first, except as they discuss the different books and authors, they realize that they actually do share many a view point and find humor in the same things. After about a month, they are meeting for an occasional lunch, and going out after meetings for coffee. Sometimes they are joined by others in the book club, but Sarah and Annie are on their way to becoming good friends.
Or there’s Jake and Anthony who are youth soccer coaches for the same league – but what really links them is that they both have children with Down syndrome. These two men only see each other during soccer season, and don’t even get a chance to talk extensively during that time. But because of two or three deep conversations they’ve had in the last few years regarding the challenges and special needs of their children – they feel an extra kinship that they might not feel with another acquaintance.
That kinship or special bond that two people can feel for each other, of course can be romantic or sexual, which is an amazing and joyous connection. But we’ve all had bonds with others that we wouldn’t qualify as romantic but the intensity is the same. You can have a conversation with someone for as little as 10 minutes, but there can be a profound realization that you ‘know’ each other. In this context, the well worn idiom, “to know, in the biblical sense” – which implies sexual intercourse – is better understood. This clarity of recognition that someone else “gets you” can be as thrilling and significant as a physical union.
In this large puzzle of our life, we meet and interact with so many others over time, and while some people that we meet are fun or pleasant, there may never be any special connection. But other relationships, (even some bad ones) seem destined to form, and there’s that special awareness – the feeling that someone significant has just become part of your life, touched your soul – and another puzzle piece has just found its place.
Remember those broken heart necklaces that were popular a while back? You’d have some nice little sentiment across the heart, and then the necklace came apart and it’d be shared between two lovers. When the two halves came together, the jagged edges would align perfectly. When someone mentions the term “soul mate,” I think of those hearts.
And this soul mate thing; the notion of another being that will complete you, does this really exist? As if betrothed before birth; can humans be destined to belong to a perfect other half? I believe that this happens – for some. But not all of us fall into the category of such a pre-ordained romance. For as much as there are those unique couples that exist in some sort of wondrous state of a romantic vacuum – there are other relationship dynamics that fall into the pattern of the Soul Puzzle.
Imagine a rather large unfinished jigsaw puzzle. Some of the trees are done, about a third of the lake, but the rest is still a jumble of loose pieces waiting to be arranged. But once a piece is correctly fitted, it’s a great feeling of completion. Sometimes those pieces are placed in a flurry of action, you find one, and another and another – and other times it’s just a matter of trial and error. Eventually, more and more is filled in, but it is a process not to be rushed. Consider the following interactions:
Sarah, a young housewife from Phoenix, AZ joins a book club. It’s a diverse group and the ages range from a 15 year old girl to a Vietnam veteran in his 60s. Generally they are all pleasant, and Sarah looks forward to the weekly meetings. She gets along with everyone well enough, but finds herself striking up a friendship with Annie, a 41 year old software engineer who happens to be a lesbian.
They don’t have much in common at first, except as they discuss the different books and authors, they realize that they actually do share many a view point and find humor in the same things. After about a month, they are meeting for an occasional lunch, and going out after meetings for coffee. Sometimes they are joined by others in the book club, but Sarah and Annie are on their way to becoming good friends.
Or there’s Jake and Anthony who are youth soccer coaches for the same league – but what really links them is that they both have children with Down syndrome. These two men only see each other during soccer season, and don’t even get a chance to talk extensively during that time. But because of two or three deep conversations they’ve had in the last few years regarding the challenges and special needs of their children – they feel an extra kinship that they might not feel with another acquaintance.
That kinship or special bond that two people can feel for each other, of course can be romantic or sexual, which is an amazing and joyous connection. But we’ve all had bonds with others that we wouldn’t qualify as romantic but the intensity is the same. You can have a conversation with someone for as little as 10 minutes, but there can be a profound realization that you ‘know’ each other. In this context, the well worn idiom, “to know, in the biblical sense” – which implies sexual intercourse – is better understood. This clarity of recognition that someone else “gets you” can be as thrilling and significant as a physical union.
In this large puzzle of our life, we meet and interact with so many others over time, and while some people that we meet are fun or pleasant, there may never be any special connection. But other relationships, (even some bad ones) seem destined to form, and there’s that special awareness – the feeling that someone significant has just become part of your life, touched your soul – and another puzzle piece has just found its place.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Ghost Chicks, Part 2
By Sarah Cook
As you read in last month’s article [Hot Psychology, May, 2007], the Ghost Chicks are two superbly talented women named Tara Deters and Lorrie Jones, who have devoted their life practice to tracking down and connecting with spiritual entities of all sizes, shapes, and habitats. These women are mothers, wives, and best friends, as well as absolute troopers who lack the overwhelming burden of skepticism that most of us have a difficult time trying to shake off. As promised earlier, here’s a look into the personal life of both of these magnificent women.
Lorrie Jones was diagnosed with a seizure disorder earlier on in life, but has been able to turn the situation into something that facilitates her work in supernatural research. The ability to do this is a big part of why the Ghost Chicks are so incredibly talented. They show us that even some very tough obstacles in life can be overcome.
“I believe that my seizures play a big role in my work, and that I just now understand a lot of my abilities. You have to understand that I truly believe I’m a poltergeist agent. A poltergeist is nothing more than a telekinetic "temper tantrum". When you look at the physical things that are being affected you can usually find out who the poltergeist "agent" is. In my case, I break computers, stoves, etc. It is well known. Studies have been conducted on poltergeist agents. In one study, 33 percent showed signs of epileptic-like activity in the brains that had been given neurological exams. In some cases, the "agent" felt much better when the telekinetic activity was released. I can tell you that I usually feel much better after something like this happens,” says Lorrie.
“Also,” she continues, “I will tell you that prior to the seizures and since; I have experienced out of body experiences (OBE). This is another world unto itself. When you do this you can actually be seen in two places at one time IF someone actually sees you. But, it is very scary to me and I really do not like it. I can remember the experience as a kid and enjoying it, but not now. I am never afraid of anything, much less dying, since I have crossed that path once before, but it’s not like dying at all. It is an uncontrolled feeling. Having children and not being in control of yourself are two things that do not go hand in hand.” And boy, is that the truth. Thankfully, Lorrie has progressed to the point where she has felt more in control, which has been of great assistance to her career.
Tara Deters comes well-equipped with a BS in Psychology, as well as an intuitive streak that has helped her to guide others in developing their own intuitions and natural abilities. As mentioned earlier, Tara used to teach children with learning disabilities, which is how she met Lorrie. Along the way, she’s developed impressive skills for connecting with children on a very deep level, especially children who are in crisis-mode. Basically, she can reach out to the young ones when they need it the most, and when others are unable to reach them, like Lorrie’s son.
This is an example of the amazing ways that we can meet and connect with one another. Life has a way of putting people together when they are destined to do something huge, as these two women undoubtedly are on the right track to do. After all, ever since the Ghost Chicks came into existence, people all around the world are reading their research, listening to their experiences, and finally starting to believe that there’s something bigger than us out there.
And this is what they want people to know. Together, Tara and Lorrie are on a mission to enlighten the world with their knowledge, and in the end, their goal is to learn everything they can about the supernatural, as well as offer that information to anyone and everyone who’s willing to take it in.
If you want to learn more about the Ghost Chicks, or simply keep yourself informed their future radio and television appearances, your best bet is to pay close attention to their Myspace page, which they update frequently. These ladies are both very friendly and anxious to enlighten in any way they can, so feel free to email them with questions or comments. And remember, the supernatural is only real if you allow it to be, so open your heart to the unknown and see what you might learn.
As you read in last month’s article [Hot Psychology, May, 2007], the Ghost Chicks are two superbly talented women named Tara Deters and Lorrie Jones, who have devoted their life practice to tracking down and connecting with spiritual entities of all sizes, shapes, and habitats. These women are mothers, wives, and best friends, as well as absolute troopers who lack the overwhelming burden of skepticism that most of us have a difficult time trying to shake off. As promised earlier, here’s a look into the personal life of both of these magnificent women.
Lorrie Jones was diagnosed with a seizure disorder earlier on in life, but has been able to turn the situation into something that facilitates her work in supernatural research. The ability to do this is a big part of why the Ghost Chicks are so incredibly talented. They show us that even some very tough obstacles in life can be overcome.
“I believe that my seizures play a big role in my work, and that I just now understand a lot of my abilities. You have to understand that I truly believe I’m a poltergeist agent. A poltergeist is nothing more than a telekinetic "temper tantrum". When you look at the physical things that are being affected you can usually find out who the poltergeist "agent" is. In my case, I break computers, stoves, etc. It is well known. Studies have been conducted on poltergeist agents. In one study, 33 percent showed signs of epileptic-like activity in the brains that had been given neurological exams. In some cases, the "agent" felt much better when the telekinetic activity was released. I can tell you that I usually feel much better after something like this happens,” says Lorrie.
“Also,” she continues, “I will tell you that prior to the seizures and since; I have experienced out of body experiences (OBE). This is another world unto itself. When you do this you can actually be seen in two places at one time IF someone actually sees you. But, it is very scary to me and I really do not like it. I can remember the experience as a kid and enjoying it, but not now. I am never afraid of anything, much less dying, since I have crossed that path once before, but it’s not like dying at all. It is an uncontrolled feeling. Having children and not being in control of yourself are two things that do not go hand in hand.” And boy, is that the truth. Thankfully, Lorrie has progressed to the point where she has felt more in control, which has been of great assistance to her career.
Tara Deters comes well-equipped with a BS in Psychology, as well as an intuitive streak that has helped her to guide others in developing their own intuitions and natural abilities. As mentioned earlier, Tara used to teach children with learning disabilities, which is how she met Lorrie. Along the way, she’s developed impressive skills for connecting with children on a very deep level, especially children who are in crisis-mode. Basically, she can reach out to the young ones when they need it the most, and when others are unable to reach them, like Lorrie’s son.
This is an example of the amazing ways that we can meet and connect with one another. Life has a way of putting people together when they are destined to do something huge, as these two women undoubtedly are on the right track to do. After all, ever since the Ghost Chicks came into existence, people all around the world are reading their research, listening to their experiences, and finally starting to believe that there’s something bigger than us out there.
And this is what they want people to know. Together, Tara and Lorrie are on a mission to enlighten the world with their knowledge, and in the end, their goal is to learn everything they can about the supernatural, as well as offer that information to anyone and everyone who’s willing to take it in.
If you want to learn more about the Ghost Chicks, or simply keep yourself informed their future radio and television appearances, your best bet is to pay close attention to their Myspace page, which they update frequently. These ladies are both very friendly and anxious to enlighten in any way they can, so feel free to email them with questions or comments. And remember, the supernatural is only real if you allow it to be, so open your heart to the unknown and see what you might learn.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Stay Connected
By Mary Kay Williams
Information has come out regarding Cho Seung-Hui and his mental state months and even years before the April 16th shootings at Virginia Tech. A New York Times article reports that teachers and fellow students had become very concerned about him, due mostly to his work in several creative writing and playwriting classes held on the Virginia Tech campus.
Some of the concerned came together and met several times regarding the best way to handle Cho. They struggled with balancing artistic expression against the need to take official or even legal action. And indeed, how does one handle this?
Imagine a casual group of writers that share work through the Internet. What if one member’s submissions started to turn dark, morbid, or frightening? When is it appropriate for someone who is at best a casual online acquaintance step in and ask the writer what is going on?
Or a high school student tells her parents that a friend has made some disturbing comments about suicide, but that child is very clear that she don’t want her parents getting involved, at the risk of the troubled friend becoming angry with her?
“The general rule for not keeping confidentiality is whenever a person
clearly hints at or mentions the possibility of suicide or murder,
confidentiality goes out the window” says Thomas Franz, Professor in Counseling and Educational Psychology from University at Buffalo’s Graduate School of Education. Dr. Franz, who has written extensively on the process of grieving – and especially coping with the death of a child, adds:
“Of course the assumption is that getting the information into the hands of a responsible person will result in the student getting help from the system to avert the possible death. It usually does in the short run, but sooner or later (usually sooner) the student is "released" back into the community and life goes on.
The pain that led to the problem in the first place may or may not be gone.”
This doesn’t imply that official intervention is not beneficial, but it should be a collective responsibility – the kind of human caring that we hope to see in all situations. Call it paying it forward, or the “It takes a Village” mindset – we need to be willing to reach out to not just family and friends, but to casual acquaintances and even strangers.
Dr. Franz continues, “In doing suicide prevention programs in the schools,
we say that most suicides are prevented by simple acts of
friendship--things you might do without any thought of preventing
suicide, but that involve just being a good friend. Noticing when
somebody seems to be having a bad day, acting differently, being more
sullen, withdrawing, talking about violence, etc. and saying
something to the person about it. ‘You seem pretty quiet today.
Everything OK?’ ”
He concludes with these thoughts:
“Most people who attempt suicide or murder are disconnected from
meaningful human contact. The goal in prevention is to connect with
them, build a supportive network of people around them who care and
will pay attention whether by talking at length with them, doing
things with them, or just saying ‘Hi, howya doin?’ ”
In this industrial, digitized, ASAP society, we deal with the paradox of both the expansion and tightening of our personal boundaries. Emails, electronic bulletin boards, My Space and You Tube allow unbelievable ability to make contact with huge numbers of people, yet the very tools that allow us to do more, cause stress as we move overburdened and harried from one task to the next. Cell phones, iPods and SUVs may give us solace, comfort or convenience, but they can also create isolation.
We need to find a balance of awareness and compassion along with fulfilling our own needs. More often we need to ask each other, “Hi, howya doin?”
For more from this talented writer, click here.
Information has come out regarding Cho Seung-Hui and his mental state months and even years before the April 16th shootings at Virginia Tech. A New York Times article reports that teachers and fellow students had become very concerned about him, due mostly to his work in several creative writing and playwriting classes held on the Virginia Tech campus.
Some of the concerned came together and met several times regarding the best way to handle Cho. They struggled with balancing artistic expression against the need to take official or even legal action. And indeed, how does one handle this?
Imagine a casual group of writers that share work through the Internet. What if one member’s submissions started to turn dark, morbid, or frightening? When is it appropriate for someone who is at best a casual online acquaintance step in and ask the writer what is going on?
Or a high school student tells her parents that a friend has made some disturbing comments about suicide, but that child is very clear that she don’t want her parents getting involved, at the risk of the troubled friend becoming angry with her?
“The general rule for not keeping confidentiality is whenever a person
clearly hints at or mentions the possibility of suicide or murder,
confidentiality goes out the window” says Thomas Franz, Professor in Counseling and Educational Psychology from University at Buffalo’s Graduate School of Education. Dr. Franz, who has written extensively on the process of grieving – and especially coping with the death of a child, adds:
“Of course the assumption is that getting the information into the hands of a responsible person will result in the student getting help from the system to avert the possible death. It usually does in the short run, but sooner or later (usually sooner) the student is "released" back into the community and life goes on.
The pain that led to the problem in the first place may or may not be gone.”
This doesn’t imply that official intervention is not beneficial, but it should be a collective responsibility – the kind of human caring that we hope to see in all situations. Call it paying it forward, or the “It takes a Village” mindset – we need to be willing to reach out to not just family and friends, but to casual acquaintances and even strangers.
Dr. Franz continues, “In doing suicide prevention programs in the schools,
we say that most suicides are prevented by simple acts of
friendship--things you might do without any thought of preventing
suicide, but that involve just being a good friend. Noticing when
somebody seems to be having a bad day, acting differently, being more
sullen, withdrawing, talking about violence, etc. and saying
something to the person about it. ‘You seem pretty quiet today.
Everything OK?’ ”
He concludes with these thoughts:
“Most people who attempt suicide or murder are disconnected from
meaningful human contact. The goal in prevention is to connect with
them, build a supportive network of people around them who care and
will pay attention whether by talking at length with them, doing
things with them, or just saying ‘Hi, howya doin?’ ”
In this industrial, digitized, ASAP society, we deal with the paradox of both the expansion and tightening of our personal boundaries. Emails, electronic bulletin boards, My Space and You Tube allow unbelievable ability to make contact with huge numbers of people, yet the very tools that allow us to do more, cause stress as we move overburdened and harried from one task to the next. Cell phones, iPods and SUVs may give us solace, comfort or convenience, but they can also create isolation.
We need to find a balance of awareness and compassion along with fulfilling our own needs. More often we need to ask each other, “Hi, howya doin?”
For more from this talented writer, click here.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Book Review: The Four Day Win
Review:
The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace
By Martha Beck, PhD
2007
Rodale Books, New York, NY
Reprinted with permission from Blogcritics Magazine
In deciding to review The Four Day Win, I'm not sure if the incentive was more to actually lose weight myself, or have a chance to evaluate work by Martha Beck, whom I've long admired as columnist for O Magazine. Go ahead and groan, but I'll have to conclude that either way; it’s a win-win situation.
Throughout she is clearly trying to reassure and convince the reader that she is on their side. She’s been there, and she’s been with others who've been there. She wants to save the reader from anymore self inflicted pain, poor body image, and stress than absolutely necessary. To express her belief – that dieters, or anyone struggling with life changes – have suffered long enough, often at their own hands; she uses a combination of humor and hard science. In fact, Beck’s humor is one of the book’s strengths, although it maybe be off-putting to some. She uses some jargon and catch phrases that might seem a little contrived. (Think Rachel Ray’s “EVOO”, or Jon Stewart and his “moment of Zen”).
But personally I found her style and humor delightful. Martha Beck’s desire to help others comes across the page easily. Her approach is non judgmental and it is very important to stress that although she doesn't necessarily champion one diet plan over another, she is firm in stating that no plan will work permanently without readjusting one’s outlook.
The premise of her book is this: Human nature allows us to learn new behaviors and adapt fresh outlooks in only about four days’ time. Beck, a Harvard trained life coach, noticed countless clients’ abilities to break through old patterns of behaviors in four days. A week was too daunting, and two or three days were not enough, but somehow four days would typically do the trick.
This rule of four is also found when learning phone numbers, account numbers or any longish series of information; the data will be internalized easier if broken down into three or four digit or character groups. Beck even saw a connection when a news broadcast stated that “they don't like to keep the [stock] market closed for 4 days.” The assumption attached is that a four day stretch is seen as “status quo” (and certainly having the NYSE down cannot be seen as the norm, not in a capitalistic society anyway.)
So what happens in these four day stretches? Brain retraining, to put it bluntly. Beck relates the work of a Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, who had been studying the behaviors of people with OCD. Schwartz, an MD, showed his patients MRIs of their brains’ activities. These images would show atypically high activity in the section of the brain that initiates fear type reactions.
The significance of these findings proved amazing; Dr. Schwartz’s patients, once they could visualize what was going on in their craniums, could actually begin to talk themselves out of their compulsive behavior. Knowing that their urges to wash their hands, check their doors, or any number of compulsive behaviors were simply temporary brain aberrations helped them gauge their feelings more rationally. Then they'd substitute a pleasurable activity for the compulsive one, and eventually, after several sessions, the compulsion diminished significantly. What’s even more interesting is that when Dr. Schwartz took newer MRIs – he saw that his patients’ brains had been restructured.
Because Beck compares the urges behind OCD to those of overeating, she takes the significance of this restructuring or neuroplasticity to encourage the reader that there is most definitely hope for those who feel trapped by self-defeating mind sets. To further get the point across, Beck uses more of these kinds of real life examples to describe the theory behind The Four Day Win.
In a chapter called “The Body Whisperer”, she tells of a friend who is an accomplished horse whisperer and how this woman was able to completely connect with and subdue a horse that was so aggressive and unpredictable, that it was recommended that his owner shoot him. She was able to do this after much time spent observing horses’ behaviors and ‘language’. Beck’s point was that we need to understand and connect with our own physiology’s style which she calls Prey/Predator.
The Prey/Predator M.O. is like comparing the inner child-like scared part of us that feels cornered when the intellectual, bossy part of us decides that we need to lose weight. (Or Freudians may feel more comfortable with Id vs. Super Ego.) Our inner Prey creature is terrified of the stealthy Predator, and begins to sabotage all the good intentions of exercise and calorie limits. In The Four Day Win, Beck gives many simple – but often profound – exercises to continually help the reader recognize what they are really doing to themselves, and how to help their bodies trust their minds.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace
By Martha Beck, PhD
2007
Rodale Books, New York, NY
Reprinted with permission from Blogcritics Magazine
In deciding to review The Four Day Win, I'm not sure if the incentive was more to actually lose weight myself, or have a chance to evaluate work by Martha Beck, whom I've long admired as columnist for O Magazine. Go ahead and groan, but I'll have to conclude that either way; it’s a win-win situation.
Throughout she is clearly trying to reassure and convince the reader that she is on their side. She’s been there, and she’s been with others who've been there. She wants to save the reader from anymore self inflicted pain, poor body image, and stress than absolutely necessary. To express her belief – that dieters, or anyone struggling with life changes – have suffered long enough, often at their own hands; she uses a combination of humor and hard science. In fact, Beck’s humor is one of the book’s strengths, although it maybe be off-putting to some. She uses some jargon and catch phrases that might seem a little contrived. (Think Rachel Ray’s “EVOO”, or Jon Stewart and his “moment of Zen”).
But personally I found her style and humor delightful. Martha Beck’s desire to help others comes across the page easily. Her approach is non judgmental and it is very important to stress that although she doesn't necessarily champion one diet plan over another, she is firm in stating that no plan will work permanently without readjusting one’s outlook.
The premise of her book is this: Human nature allows us to learn new behaviors and adapt fresh outlooks in only about four days’ time. Beck, a Harvard trained life coach, noticed countless clients’ abilities to break through old patterns of behaviors in four days. A week was too daunting, and two or three days were not enough, but somehow four days would typically do the trick.
This rule of four is also found when learning phone numbers, account numbers or any longish series of information; the data will be internalized easier if broken down into three or four digit or character groups. Beck even saw a connection when a news broadcast stated that “they don't like to keep the [stock] market closed for 4 days.” The assumption attached is that a four day stretch is seen as “status quo” (and certainly having the NYSE down cannot be seen as the norm, not in a capitalistic society anyway.)
So what happens in these four day stretches? Brain retraining, to put it bluntly. Beck relates the work of a Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, who had been studying the behaviors of people with OCD. Schwartz, an MD, showed his patients MRIs of their brains’ activities. These images would show atypically high activity in the section of the brain that initiates fear type reactions.
The significance of these findings proved amazing; Dr. Schwartz’s patients, once they could visualize what was going on in their craniums, could actually begin to talk themselves out of their compulsive behavior. Knowing that their urges to wash their hands, check their doors, or any number of compulsive behaviors were simply temporary brain aberrations helped them gauge their feelings more rationally. Then they'd substitute a pleasurable activity for the compulsive one, and eventually, after several sessions, the compulsion diminished significantly. What’s even more interesting is that when Dr. Schwartz took newer MRIs – he saw that his patients’ brains had been restructured.
Because Beck compares the urges behind OCD to those of overeating, she takes the significance of this restructuring or neuroplasticity to encourage the reader that there is most definitely hope for those who feel trapped by self-defeating mind sets. To further get the point across, Beck uses more of these kinds of real life examples to describe the theory behind The Four Day Win.
In a chapter called “The Body Whisperer”, she tells of a friend who is an accomplished horse whisperer and how this woman was able to completely connect with and subdue a horse that was so aggressive and unpredictable, that it was recommended that his owner shoot him. She was able to do this after much time spent observing horses’ behaviors and ‘language’. Beck’s point was that we need to understand and connect with our own physiology’s style which she calls Prey/Predator.
The Prey/Predator M.O. is like comparing the inner child-like scared part of us that feels cornered when the intellectual, bossy part of us decides that we need to lose weight. (Or Freudians may feel more comfortable with Id vs. Super Ego.) Our inner Prey creature is terrified of the stealthy Predator, and begins to sabotage all the good intentions of exercise and calorie limits. In The Four Day Win, Beck gives many simple – but often profound – exercises to continually help the reader recognize what they are really doing to themselves, and how to help their bodies trust their minds.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Giddyup!
Welcome one and all to Hot Psychology's Feature Presentation section - in all it's bloggy goodness.
The staff of Hot Psychology is mighty jazzed up to be opening more channels of communications with our readers, and this is the place to learn tidbits of behind the scenes stuff concerning upcoming articles, or just odds and ends about the staff.
For example, did you know that Jim Idema, our Editor-in-Chief has a most favorite place in the world? It' Hawaii, and if we ask him real nice, maybe he'll invite us to his beach bungalow - that is, after he gets there eventually. And our Culture Editor, Pamela Meek is nuts about horses. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, it seemed like every girl's dream was to have a horse.
Great, now all I can think about is horseback riding on a beautiful Hawaiian beach, I hope I can get some work done!
The staff of Hot Psychology is mighty jazzed up to be opening more channels of communications with our readers, and this is the place to learn tidbits of behind the scenes stuff concerning upcoming articles, or just odds and ends about the staff.
For example, did you know that Jim Idema, our Editor-in-Chief has a most favorite place in the world? It' Hawaii, and if we ask him real nice, maybe he'll invite us to his beach bungalow - that is, after he gets there eventually. And our Culture Editor, Pamela Meek is nuts about horses. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, it seemed like every girl's dream was to have a horse.
Great, now all I can think about is horseback riding on a beautiful Hawaiian beach, I hope I can get some work done!
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Red Mustang on the 405
By Gerry Mandel
The Red Mustang sits in the driveway, its top down, here in the Hollywood Hills. My daughter Holly circles the car, wearing a Christmas-morning expression I had almost forgotten. The Mustang, a ‘69, is seventeen years old and cooler than new. I hold the envelope containing the cashiers check in my right hand.
The owner of the Mustang, Richard, a trim, middle-aged man in shorts, strolls out of the house, holding the title and keys. He carries himself with that relaxed, confident attitude one must master in Hollywood. Richard produces TV game shows and is moving back to New York, but doesn’t want to take the Mustang. “It belongs in California,” he told me the first time we talked a week ago, when a mutual friend had connected us.
Holly made her mind up years ago that she wanted to go to California for college. That’s a long way from St. Louis, where I live and she grew up. Until now, her second year at the University of California at Irvine, she has managed without a car. Now she needs wheels to
get around Irvine, around the beach communities of Newport and Laguna and Huntington, to head north to explore L.A. and destinations beyond. She finds horizons irresistible. Never one to ignore life’s possibilities, she is, without a doubt, much gutsier than I.
To read the rest of this article in Hot Psychology Magazine, click here.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
The Red Mustang sits in the driveway, its top down, here in the Hollywood Hills. My daughter Holly circles the car, wearing a Christmas-morning expression I had almost forgotten. The Mustang, a ‘69, is seventeen years old and cooler than new. I hold the envelope containing the cashiers check in my right hand.
The owner of the Mustang, Richard, a trim, middle-aged man in shorts, strolls out of the house, holding the title and keys. He carries himself with that relaxed, confident attitude one must master in Hollywood. Richard produces TV game shows and is moving back to New York, but doesn’t want to take the Mustang. “It belongs in California,” he told me the first time we talked a week ago, when a mutual friend had connected us.
Holly made her mind up years ago that she wanted to go to California for college. That’s a long way from St. Louis, where I live and she grew up. Until now, her second year at the University of California at Irvine, she has managed without a car. Now she needs wheels to
get around Irvine, around the beach communities of Newport and Laguna and Huntington, to head north to explore L.A. and destinations beyond. She finds horizons irresistible. Never one to ignore life’s possibilities, she is, without a doubt, much gutsier than I.
To read the rest of this article in Hot Psychology Magazine, click here.
For more from this talented writer, click here.
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